


A Wild Bear

by Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire



Series: Di’s Carry On Countdown 2020 [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: But can Simon crack this one?, Canon Compliant, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Established Relationship, Feral dogs and wild bears too, Fiona is all about riddles, Fiona is great, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Found Family, Gift Fic, Humor, Humorous Ending, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, POV First Person, POV Simon Snow, Poor Simon is scared, Post-Canon, Prompt Fic, Sharks are mentioned, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow in Love, but also intimidating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/pseuds/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire
Summary: “You and Basil are dating now,” Fiona says and there’s no sneer insights.I am more than a bit shocked and terrified too. Is there a twist, a ploy, a plot? What is happening right now?“We are,” I answer warily.Simon and Fiona haveThe Talk. How will that go? (Simon is terrified.)COC 2020 Day 1, NOV 25: Found Family.Inappropriate Humour.
Relationships: Fiona Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Di’s Carry On Countdown 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023208
Comments: 21
Kudos: 98
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	A Wild Bear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gampyre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gampyre/gifts).



> Dear reader, I wasn't planning on participating in the COC. But then a friend was feeling low. And I thought, _well, I have to do this._  
>   
>  I myself am not feeling great either. Both because of things happening IRL and because of my mental health. Some of you who read my other fics know this. 😂  
>   
> So in this COC I will try to push everyone’s buttons with some **good old inappropriate humour** and hopefully cheer a few people up.  
>   
> There might be some angstier pieces. (Have you met me? 😂)  
>   
> My goal is to keep every fic at around 500 words, because my brain (OCD) was freaking out and decided I need to write for each prompt, and in order. (I have lots of issues. 🤷😂)  
>   
> Some fics might end up being longer though, like this one. Because _again_ , have you met me? 😂  
>   
> I feel like I don't say this often enough, but **you dear reader** , is who keeps me going. 💙💙💙 And every kudos and comment mean the world. 🥺🥺🥺
> 
> * * *
> 
>  **Gampyre** , this is for you. 🥺🥺🥺 You're so lovely. 😭🥺💙 (I thought you would enjoy certain analogies.💙🐻🦈🐶😂)
> 
> * * *
> 
> As always so many thanks and love to my amazing friends and betas Blue ([mybluebucketofsnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybluebucketofsnow/pseuds/mybluebucketofsnow)), [shushu_yaoi_lj (llamapyjamas)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shushu_yaoi_lj/pseuds/shushu_yaoi_lj) and [Theawkwardbibliophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile/works).  
>   
> Thank you for all the help and support with this COC and everything I write and for being awesome friends. 💙
> 
> * * *

# SIMON

“You and Basil are dating now,” Fiona says and there’s no sneer insights. 

I am more than a bit shocked and terrified too. Is there a twist, a ploy, a plot? What is happening right now?

“We are,” I answer warily.

“And the two of you are serious?” 

It doesn't sound like an accusation, I don't think. Which worries me. And there’s still no sneer. 

I am getting agitated by the minute. Is she going to curse me if I say _yes_? Is it because Baz is a Pitch and a Grimm and I’m a Normal from an orphanage?

“What difference does it make to you?” I should probably be more polite. But fuck politeness, if she’s going to kill me on the spot.

“Answer the damn question, Chosen One.” 

Fiona does sneer this time and I relax a bit. But not for long because she looks pissed off. I am going to be killed right here, right now. I am sure of it now. What will she tell Baz? That it was an accident? She probably knows how to fake one. Fiona seems like the type.

“Yes, we are,” I finally say, looking straight in her eyes. “I mean. I am. I mean— “

“I’ve heard enough,” she tells me and crushes me towards her, without letting me finish. It only works because I’m not expecting it.

Baz’s aunt is strong for a tiny human. Fiona isn’t big — physically. Not that she needs to be. Might be better for the world. 

Can you imagine? She’d be unstoppable. Not that I can stop her now. I don’t think.

I wonder if she is going to smother me to death? Is that how the Pitches kill? I always thought they used magic. But maybe it’s the brute force that is their _secret_ _weapon_. (No one would expect it, that’s for sure.)

She still has her arms around my neck, and her hold is tight on me. It’s difficult to breathe and I am practically bent double. 

But I am starting to have my doubts on whether this is an assassination attempt or not. This, what we are doing...or well, what Fiona is doing looks suspiciously like a _hug_ to me. (A hug with a feral dog or a wild hungry bear in spring after hibernation, that is.)

“You can have Father’s wedding ring when the time comes,” she announces, still choking me with her arms. 

That wasn’t what I expected to hear. How is that even possible?

“T-thank y-you,” I manage to let out, losing the little oxygen I had.

Just before I start believing that this might be an illusion from oxygen deprivation, Baz’s aunt untangles herself from me. 

I gulp air and more or less collapse right onto her couch, trying to catch my breath.

“I didn’t think you’d approve,” I confess to her.

Fiona sneers again. (If I have to be completely honest, sneering is the most familiar thing about Fiona. It reminds me of Baz and calms my nerves.)

“At least Basil seems to have better taste than Natasha.” 

I look at her dumbfounded. She must have noticed my utter confusion. 

“If Basil gets kidnapped again—” she starts looking me dead in the eye.

Does she think I’d kidnap my own boyfriend? I want to tell her that I’d never do that. Because it is both mad and unreasonable. 

But before I get that chance, she continues, “Would you pay the ransom or would you search for him yourself?”

“I don’t have any money—” I start. Although I do have that big duffel-sized bag of leprechaun’s gold. It only disappears when one gives it to another magician. I should probably take it to the Normal bank one of these days. 

“Let’s pretend you have,” she presses.

“Well, how can I know if whoever took Baz will give him _back_ once I’ve paid,” I tell her and wonder if _now_ is the time she’ll kill me for leaving Baz in danger. 

Her eyes are locked with mine. I shudder involuntarily from fear. Will she finish me now? 

“I’d look for Baz myself instead of paying off,” I finally say. And then add, my eyes boring back into hers, because she might not understand how serious I am. “I _would_ find him.” 

And it’s true. I would. If Baz were in danger I’d turn every rock on this planet to get to him. 

“There you have it,” Fiona says and plops next to me on the couch. I don’t flinch or move away. Don’t want her to know that I’m scared. One should _never_ show their fear to a dangerous predator. (I saw it on the Discovery channel once.)

“What do you mean?” I ask, hoping my voice doesn’t tremble too much. Fiona is even more intimidating up close.

“I mean, you absolute moron, trembling like a leaf here,” she spits and I realize that Baz’s aunt must know that I’m terrified. I thought I was playing it cool as Shep says, “that you shouldn’t worry so much because I _approve_ of you.”

“You do?”

“Basil isn’t settling by marrying you.”

I didn’t know Baz and I are getting married. But now that I think about it, I don’t mind that in the least. I’d get to be with him forever, without any worry of his family coming in between. 

His aunt approves of me. That's the most important family member for this kind of thing. 

Since Fiona is the only link to his mum and the only one to accept Baz for who he is — a mage _and_ a vampire. 

“Okay.” That’s all I can say without sounding scared. Fiona seems to already smell fear on me like a shark smells blood. (Although I’ve also seen on Discovery that sharks don't actually eat humans. They spit them out if they bite one by accident.)

Baz’s aunt claps me on the shoulder. Will she try to strangle me again I wonder? 

I suppose that was a hug, but still. _One_ _dangerous_ _hug_.

“Want a whisky on the rocks?” she asks instead of choking me, while taking out a fag and muttering something under her breath, her fingertips touching the tip. 

The cigarette lights up and smoke spreads all around us. Not from the fag, from the fire Fiona started on her fingertips. _A_ _bloody pyro_ , just like Baz.

I wasn't expecting an actual fire in the middle of her living room and scream in surprise and she sneers at me _and_ rolls her eyes, like I'm the unreasonable one. 

Then Fiona shakes her hand and the fire goes up. (She's a powerful magician, that's for sure.)

“Um. I don’t drink.” _Not anymore_ , I think but don’t add it. 

Fiona sneers, “Kids nowadays.” 

Then she opens the oldest mobile in the history of mobiles and asks me for my number. I give it to her. I am fairly sure Fiona isn’t going to try to kill me. 

Which is a surprise. Where are all these murderous Pitches I’ve heard _so much_ about? They sure do not seem to be living up to their name. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. 💙


End file.
